It’s a question survivors often hear: “How did this happen again?” or “Why do you keep choosing the same kind of person?” As if abuse is something anyone chooses. As if healing automatically guarantees you’ll never be hurt again.
The truth is, many survivors of domestic violence find themselves in more than one abusive relationship—not because they’re blind, broken, or weak, but because abuse leaves deep psychological and emotional scars. Without intentional healing, those wounds can affect how survivors see themselves, how they interpret love, and what they accept in relationships in the future.
This isn’t about blame. This is about understanding. Because only when we understand the patterns can we begin to break them.
Abuse Changes the Way You See the World
Surviving domestic violence changes you. It rewires your nervous system to stay in survival mode—constantly scanning for danger, trying to anticipate moods, and adjusting yourself to stay safe. You learn to minimize your needs, suppress your voice, and accept the unacceptable to get through the day.
Over time, this becomes your normal. And when something becomes normal, it’s easy to recreate it—even without realizing it.
You may gravitate toward people who feel “familiar,” though unhealthy. You may overlook red flags because they don’t seem alarming—just typical. And you may ignore your gut instincts because you were trained to believe your feelings weren’t valid.
Not All Survivors Lack Discernment
Some believe survivors have “bad judgment” or “poor discernment.” But that’s a shallow and unfair assumption. Many survivors do recognize red flags. Many are incredibly intuitive, cautious, and aware.
But abusers are often highly skilled at manipulation. They show up wearing masks—attentive, charming, kind, and spiritual. They know how to say the right things, play the long game, and slowly isolate and control without being obvious. By the time the abuse becomes clear, the survivor may already be emotionally or financially entangled.
It’s not about discernment. It’s about deception.
Trauma Bonds and Cycles of Hope
Abuse often comes in cycles—kindness followed by cruelty, apologies followed by aggression. This cycle creates what’s known as a trauma bond, a powerful psychological attachment that makes it hard to leave, even when the relationship is harmful.
If this pattern becomes familiar, it can feel strangely comforting—even addictive. Survivors may unknowingly seek out similar dynamics, not because they enjoy the chaos, but because they’ve been conditioned to believe that love comes with pain, that affection is earned, and that they are responsible for fixing the brokenness in others.
They may also carry an immense amount of hope that the new person will be different, hope that if they just love hard enough, they’ll finally get it right. And in that hope, they miss the warning signs.
Shame Keeps People Silent
Survivors who find themselves in another abusive relationship often carry deep shame. They think, “I should’ve known better.” They fear judgement. They may stay quiet out of embarrassment, fear that no one will believe them the second time, and guilt.
This silence benefits abusers. It protects their image and keeps the survivor isolated. But shame has no place here. Abuse is never the victim’s fault—not the first time, not the second, not ever.
When Self-Worth Has Been Shattered
One of the most damaging effects of domestic violence is how it destroys your sense of worth. Survivors are often told they’re unlovable, too emotional, too needy, or not enough. Over time, these lies take root. And when your self-worth is in ruins, it’s hard to believe you deserve more.
You may tolerate treatment you once would’ve walked away from. You may stay longer than you should. You may settle for crumbs, thinking that’s all you’ll ever get. But none of that reflects your value—it reflects what you’ve been through.
You are not too broken to be loved well. You are not “damaged goods.” You are someone who has survived the unthinkable. And that strength is not a weakness—it’s a reason to keep fighting for the life and love you truly deserve.
Healing Is the Way Out
Breaking the cycle of abuse isn’t about simply walking away. It’s about healing what’s beneath the surface. That means:
- Rebuilding your self-worth so you stop accepting less than you deserve.
- Learning to trust your gut and honour your boundaries, no matter how small.
- Understanding the dynamics of abuse so you can recognize manipulation before it takes hold.
- Surrounding yourself with people who affirm your value, not undermine it.
- Seeking support through therapy, advocacy groups, or other survivors who genuinely understand.
It’s okay to take your time and to make mistakes. Healing isn’t linear—and every step forward, no matter how small, is still progress.
Survivor Speaks Truth 
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