Abuse Is Not a Mistake — It’s a Choice

It’s not an accident when someone hurts you repeatedly, intentionally, and without remorse. It’s not a slip-up, a moment of weakness, or a one-time lapse in judgment. Abuse is not a mistake. Abuse is a choice.

We need to say this louder and clearer than ever before because too many victims have been conditioned to second-guess their reality, minimize what’s happening behind closed doors, and carry the weight of someone else’s destructive behaviour, all while wondering, “Was it that bad?” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it.”

But here’s the truth: abuse is deliberate. It’s calculated. It’s repeated. And it thrives in environments where it can go unchecked, hidden behind smiles, charm, and public displays of affection.

The Test: Can They Control It?

One of the most revealing indicators that abuse is not a mistake is this: abusers often have remarkable self-control, just not with you.

Think about it.

Can they hold themselves together at work? Can they treat their friends with kindness and respect? Can they stay calm and collected in front of strangers, their boss, their pastor, or even the police?

If the answer is yes, then they can choose how they behave. They have control over their actions. The anger, gaslighting, insults, intimidation, and shouting? Those are not reflexes—they’re choices.

It’s not that they can’t do better. It’s that they won’t.

They’ve decided you don’t deserve the respect they show others. They’ve made you the target, the emotional punching bag, the one who absorbs all the pain they refuse to deal with. And that decision to lower the mask behind closed doors isn’t accidental; it’s intentional.

Mistakes Look Different

Mistakes include forgetting to text back, burning dinner, or saying something careless and then feeling remorseful. However, mistakes come with ownership, apologies, and a genuine effort to make things right.

Abuse, on the other hand, is marked by patterns or cycles of control, harm, and manipulation. And while it may be followed by apologies or love-bombing, those moments are not repentant; they’re part of the cycle. A means to regain control. A way to keep the victim tethered in confusion and hope.

The Mask in Public

One of the most disorienting parts of abuse is how invisible it can be to everyone else. Abusers are often charismatic, well-liked, and even praised for how “loving” or “fun” they seem. They know how to play the part. They know when to turn it on.

You’ve probably heard it before:

“He’s so nice! “She seems like such a great mom! “I can’t imagine them doing something like that.”

But that’s the point. They don’t act that way with others because they choose not to. It’s not a lack of emotional regulation. It’s a deliberate decision to harm you and protect their reputation simultaneously.

That’s not a mistake. That’s manipulation.

You Are Not Overreacting

If you’re reading this and it resonates, please know that you are not crazy, or too sensitive.

What you’re experiencing, or have experienced, is real. And just because others can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. That’s often how abusers operate: they isolate you, discredit you, and make sure no one else sees the version of them that you live with every day.

Abuse Is a Choice—And So Is Healing

We can’t force abusers to change. We can’t make them take responsibility or stop hurting others. But we can choose healing. We can choose freedom. And we can choose to stop accepting excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

No one “accidentally” abuses someone repeatedly. They chose it. And you can choose to break free.

If this spoke to you, or if you’re walking through the confusion and aftermath of abuse, you don’t have to do it alone. Healing is possible. And your story matters.