Survivor Speaks Truth

Author: SurvivorSpeaksTruth

  • Blame-Shifting and Projection: A Common Abuse Tactic

    One confusing and destabilizing behaviour in abusive relationships is projection. It happens when someone accuses you of the very things they are guilty of themselves. This is not accidental, and it is not harmless. Projection serves a purpose: it protects their image while slowly dismantling yours.

    When an abuser projects, they shift the focus away from their own behaviour and place it squarely on you. If they are dishonest, you become the liar. If they are unfaithful, you are accused of betrayal. If they are controlling, they label you as manipulative. Over time, this creates a distorted reality where you are constantly defending yourself against accusations that don’t align with who you are, while their behaviour goes unchecked.

    Projection allows them to maintain a self-image of innocence, righteousness, or victimhood. Admitting wrongdoing would threaten the version of themselves they need to uphold—both internally and publicly. By assigning their guilt to you, they avoid accountability and preserve their reputation. In many cases, this is especially effective because the accusations often come with confidence, moral superiority, or even spiritual language that makes you question your own integrity.

    The damage of projection is not just relational—it is psychological. Repeated accusations cause you to second-guess yourself. You may start examining your actions, intentions, and words endlessly, wondering if you really are the problem. This erosion of self-trust is one of the most effective tools of control. When you no longer trust yourself, you are more likely to defer to their version of reality.

    Projection also keeps you on the defensive. Instead of addressing real issues—patterns of control, dishonesty, or harm—you are pulled into endless explanations and justifications. Conversations become circular. Concerns are flipped. Accountability is reversed. You leave interactions feeling confused, drained, and unsettled, often apologizing for things you didn’t do to restore peace.

    A key indicator that projection is at play is the absence of responsibility. When concerns are raised, they are denied, minimized, or turned back on you. There is little curiosity, reflection, or willingness to change. Instead, you are met with counter-accusations, character attacks, or claims that you are “too sensitive,” “imagining things,” or “causing problems.” Projection thrives where humility is absent.

    It is essential to recognize that projection is not a misunderstanding—it is a defence mechanism. It functions to protect power, image, and control. Recognizing it does not require proving intent; it requires noticing patterns. If accusations consistently mirror the other person’s behaviour, and if addressing concerns only results in blame being redirected toward you, your discomfort is valid.

    If you find yourself constantly defending your character, questioning your sanity, or carrying shame that does not belong to you, pause. You are not required to accept accusations that do not reflect your actions or values. Boundaries are not cruel, and clarity is not unloving.

    Projection keeps abusers safe from exposure, but it comes at a cost to those on the receiving end. Naming it is not about retaliation—it is about reclaiming reality. When you understand that projection protects their image, you can begin releasing the burden of false guilt and start trusting yourself again.

  • Finding Peace When Others Don’t Know the Full Story

    One of the hardest but most freeing lessons in healing is learning to be at peace even when other people don’t know the full story of what you endured. Not everyone will understand your choices. Not everyone will hear your side of the story. And some people will come to their own conclusions based on assumptions, fragments, or secondhand information.

    That reality can feel deeply unfair.

    There is a natural desire to be understood—to explain, correct the narrative, or clarify. Especially when you’ve been hurt, misrepresented, or unfairly judged, silence can feel like agreement. But over time, many come to realize that telling their story to the wrong audience often brings more harm than healing. Not everyone is capable of holding the truth with care.

    Peace doesn’t come from convincing others. It comes from knowing what is true.

    There is a quiet strength in no longer needing external validation to confirm your reality. When you have done the hard work of facing what you endured, naming it honestly, and choosing healing, other people’s conclusions lose their power. Their opinions may still sting, but they no longer define you.

    It’s important to understand that people often form conclusions to protect their own comfort. Sitting with someone else’s injustice, pain, or trauma can be unsettling. Simple narratives feel safer than complex truths. When others misunderstand you, it is not always a failure of your communication—it is often a limitation of their capacity.

    Choosing peace does not mean pretending the misunderstanding doesn’t hurt. It means refusing to live in a constant state of defense. It means releasing the exhausting need to explain yourself to people who have already decided what they believe. Peace comes when you accept that not everyone is entitled to your story.

    There is also wisdom in discernment—knowing who deserves access to your truth. Some people listen to understand, and others listen to judge. Protecting your peace means sharing your story only in spaces where it will be honoured, not dissected.

    Being at peace in the face of misunderstanding is not weakness. It is a sign of deep healing. It means you trust yourself. You trust your lived experience. And you trust that truth does not require universal agreement to remain true.

    You can move forward with integrity even when others misunderstand you. You can heal without being believed by everyone. And you can live fully without correcting every false narrative.

    Peace comes when you stop carrying the burden of being understood by those who were never meant to walk with you.

  • Is it Love or a Trauma Bond?

    Many people who have been in unhealthy or abusive relationships find themselves asking a painful and confusing question afterward: Was that love, or was it a trauma bond? The two can feel almost indistinguishable when you are inside the relationship or even long after it ends. Both can involve deep attachment, longing, loyalty, and intense emotion, but they are formed in very different ways and lead to very different outcomes.

    Healthy love is grounded in safety and consistency. It grows steadily, marked by mutual respect, accountability, and emotional security. In a loving relationship, there is space to be yourself without fear of punishment, abandonment, or retaliation. Conflict may exist, but it can be addressed without intimidation or manipulation. Love tends to bring a sense of calm over time, not constant anxiety. You don’t have to earn kindness, prove your worth, or shrink yourself to keep someone close.

    A trauma bond, on the other hand, is formed through cycles of pain and relief. It develops in relationships where there is emotional, psychological, or physical harm paired with moments of affection, remorse, or connection. These intermittent moments of closeness create powerful attachment because the same person who causes pain also becomes the source of comfort. The bond forms not despite the harm, but because of it, conditioning the nervous system to associate relief from distress with love.

    This is why trauma bonds often feel so intense and consuming. Prolonged stress followed by brief emotional relief creates a surge of bonding hormones in the body, making the attachment feel addictive. Leaving can feel physically painful, and logic alone often isn’t enough to break the bond. You may miss the person deeply, even while knowing they hurt you, question your own judgment, or feel confused about what was real. This response is not a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence; it is a biological survival response to repeated emotional threat.

    There are often signs that indicate a trauma bond rather than healthy love. The relationship may feel overwhelming or obsessive rather than supportive. You may stay because of who the person is, “when things are good,” rather than how they consistently treat you. There may be a strong sense of responsibility to fix, rescue, or tolerate behaviour that causes harm. The emotional highs may feel euphoric, while the lows feel devastating, leaving you in a constant state of anxiety rather than peace.

    Trauma bonds are often mistaken for love because many people were conditioned earlier in life to associate intense feelings with connection. If chaos, unpredictability, or emotional neglect were part of childhood, calm and stability can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. A trauma bond can feel meaningful because it activates old wounds and unmet needs, creating a powerful longing to be chosen, valued, or seen for who you truly are. But real love does not require suffering to prove its depth.

    Healing begins with naming the truth. Acknowledging a trauma bond does not invalidate the feelings involved; the attachment was real, but it was rooted in survival rather than mutual, healthy love. Healing often consists of regulating the nervous system, creating a sense of safety, breaking cycles of intermittent reinforcement, and learning what a secure connection actually feels like. Grief is part of this process, but it does not require romanticizing the harm that occurred.

    On the other side of a trauma bond is a different experience of love—one that may feel quieter and less dramatic at first, but far more grounding. It is a love that allows you to breathe, to rest, and to exist without fear. Peace can feel unfamiliar when chaos has been the norm, but peace is not the absence of passion; it is the presence of safety.

    If you find yourself asking whether it was love or a trauma bond, that question itself is a sign of awakening. Love does not cost you your identity, thrive on fear, or require endurance to survive. You don’t have to condemn the past to heal from it, but you do deserve to tell yourself the truth. And the truth is that you are worthy of a connection that feels safe, steady, and free.

  • The Emotional Weight of the Holidays: When Joy and Grief Coexist

    The holidays are often described as the happiest time of the year—but for many, they are emotionally complex, heavy, and even painful. While the world emphasizes celebration, togetherness, and cheer, countless people quietly navigate grief, loneliness, anxiety, exhaustion, or unresolved trauma during this season.

    If your emotions feel heightened or conflicting during the holidays, there is nothing wrong with you. The holidays have a way of touching every tender place in the heart.

    Why Emotions Intensify During the Holidays

    Holidays disrupt routines and stir memories. They bring people together who may not feel safe in the same space. They highlight what has been lost, what never was, and what we wish could be different.

    For some, the holidays magnify:

    • Grief for loved ones who are no longer here
    • Longing for relationships that ended or never existed
    • Tension within families
    • Financial stress and unmet expectations
    • Trauma connected to past holidays
    • Loneliness in the midst of crowds

    The nervous system doesn’t understand calendars or traditions—it responds to memories, patterns, and perceived threats. If past holidays were marked by loss, conflict, or harm, the body remembers, even when the mind wants to “just enjoy the season.”

    When Joy Feels Forced

    Many people feel pressure to perform happiness during the holidays. Smiles are expected. Gratitude is demanded. Discomfort is minimized with phrases like “at least…” or “you should be thankful.”

    But emotional honesty matters.

    Joy cannot be forced, and pretending often creates more exhaustion than relief. It is possible to love parts of the season and still struggle with it. It is possible to feel grateful and broken at the same time. Holding mixed emotions does not mean you are unfaithful, ungrateful, or failing—it means you are human.

    The Impact of Trauma on Holiday Emotions

    For those who have experienced trauma—primarily relational or domestic trauma—the holidays can feel particularly overwhelming. Increased social obligations, sensory overload, disrupted schedules, and family dynamics can activate old survival responses.

    You may notice:

    • Irritability or emotional numbness
    • Heightened anxiety or hypervigilance
    • Fatigue that feels deeper than usual
    • Guilt for not feeling joyful
    • A desire to withdraw or isolate

    These responses are not weaknesses. They are signals from a nervous system that once had to protect you.

    Grief That Has No Timeline

    Grief doesn’t respect seasons or schedules. It doesn’t fade because lights are hung or music plays. The holidays often sharpen grief because they remind us of who is missing, what has changed, and what will never be the same.

    Whether you are grieving a loved one, a relationship, your health, your safety, or a version of life you hoped for—your grief is valid. You are allowed to feel it without rushing yourself toward healing or closure.

    Making Space for What You Feel

    The goal during the holidays does not have to be happiness. Sometimes the goal is gentleness.

    It may look like:

    • Setting boundaries around gatherings
    • Choosing rest over obligation
    • Creating new traditions or letting old ones go
    • Spending time in nature or quiet reflection
    • Permitting yourself to feel without fixing

    There is no right way to do the holidays—only the way that protects your well-being.

    Faith, Emotions, and Permission to Be Honest

    Faith does not require emotional denial. Scripture is filled with lament, grief, questions, and heartfelt cries. God is not offended by our sadness or confusion. He meets us in it.

    Peace does not always mean feeling calm—it often means feeling safe enough to be real.

    If the Holidays Are Hard This Year

    If you’re struggling, you are not alone—and you are not broken. This season can be heavy, especially for those who carry invisible wounds.

    You don’t have to force joy. You don’t have to explain your feelings. You don’t have to meet anyone else’s expectations.

    Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do during the holidays is to honour what you feel and take care of yourself with compassion.

    Healing is not measured by how cheerful you appear—but by how gently you treat yourself when things feel hard.

  • They Know Exactly What They’re Doing

    For those of us who naturally see the best in people, it can feel almost impossible to accept the truth that some people intend the harm they cause. You tell yourself they “didn’t mean it,” “weren’t thinking,” or “didn’t realize their actions or words were hurtful,” because facing the reality of their intentional actions is deeply painful. Yet more often than not, the harm was not accidental. It was calculated, conscious, and deliberate. One of the most evident signs is that people who cause harm can control themselves when it benefits them. Someone who screams, mocks, or belittles you in private can somehow remain calm, charming, and composed in front of church members, coworkers, or anyone whose opinion matters to them. A person who claims they “can’t control their temper” suddenly becomes gentle when there’s an audience. Someone who insists they “didn’t know their words were hurtful” somehow manages to choose their tone with surgical precision when speaking to people they want to impress. Selective behaviour is not an accident; it’s evidence of awareness. If they can control their actions and tongue depending on the crowd, they know what they’re doing.

    This truth also becomes evident in the way they manipulate their words to suit the audience. They may speak harshly at home, but soften their tone in public. They may accuse you of being “too sensitive,” yet carefully craft their words for others to ensure they appear kind or reasonable. Their narrative shifts to whatever makes them look good and you look unstable. People who genuinely have no idea they’re causing harm don’t need evolving stories. But those who knowingly hurt you will bend their version of events depending on who they’re trying to convince. And watch what happens the moment consequences are possible—when their job, reputation, or access to you is at stake. Suddenly, they can regulate themselves with ease. The insults fade, the volume lowers, the charm turns on instantly. Someone who can adjust their behaviour that quickly was never out of control; they chose to be reckless with you because they assumed there would be no consequences.

    Even their remorse reveals awareness. They often only express regret when exposure or loss becomes a threat, not when they recognize the pain they’ve caused. That isn’t repentance—it’s self-preservation. A person who genuinely didn’t realize they were hurting you wouldn’t need to be caught or confronted before acknowledging their behaviour. Accepting that people know what they’re doing when they hurt you isn’t about becoming hardened or bitter; it’s about becoming honest. You can still have a soft heart and believe in goodness, but you must stop rewriting someone’s character to fit the potential you hope they have. Abusers and emotionally unsafe people rely on your compassion to protect them from accountability. But healing requires truth, and truth requires naming what happened. Recognizing that they knew and chose their actions toward you is a crucial step in reclaiming your strength, your clarity, and your freedom.

  • When Old Wounds Echo: Why Triggers Can Return Long After the Trauma Ends

    Triggers can show up months or even years after abuse has ended, and when they do, many survivors wonder, “Does this mean I haven’t healed?” What’s so painful about these moments is how unexpected they can be—you might be living your life, feeling stronger than ever, and suddenly something small pulls you back to a feeling you thought you left behind. But the truth is that triggers appearing long after the fact are not a sign of failure but a sign of being human. They are a reminder that your body lived through something intense and real. Healing is not the absence of triggers—it’s the ability to respond differently to them. It’s the ability to notice the fear rising without being consumed by it, to feel the memory surface without being swallowed whole.

    Trauma doesn’t disappear on a schedule; it lingers in the body, stored in the nervous system, waiting for something familiar—a date, memory, smell, or tone —to wake it up. And these “wake-ups” often happen in the very seasons where life has finally quieted down, when your nervous system has enough safety to let old memories rise. This doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It simply means your body is still releasing what it had to hold onto for far too long. It means your nervous system is reacting to something that once signalled danger, and that is a normal, biological response, not a personal flaw. It’s your body’s way of saying, “I remember this,” even while your mind already knows, “I’m not in danger anymore.”

    During abuse, you lived in survival mode. Hypervigilance became instinct, anticipating moods became necessary, and shrinking yourself became a way to stay safe. These weren’t choices—they were protective reflexes developed under pressure. You learned to read the slightest shift in tone, the smallest change in behaviour, because your safety depended on it. When the danger finally ends, your body doesn’t instantly recalibrate; it slowly unlearns what it once had to rely on. That unlearning can take time. Sometimes it happens quietly, and other times it surfaces through triggers that seem to come out of nowhere.

    So when a trigger surfaces, it’s not a sign of unhealed trauma; it’s an invitation to comfort a part of you that was never comforted before. It’s a chance to offer the compassion, safety, and reassurance your past self never received. Often, triggers rise because you are finally safe enough for your body to process what it couldn’t process in survival mode. The body releases pain slowly, in layers, only as you have the strength to hold it. In that sense, the presence of a trigger can actually be a sign of progress—your system trusts that you can handle what once felt unbearable.

    Your healing is reflected not in whether triggers appear, but in how you respond to them. Perhaps the sting is still there, but now that you recognize what’s happening, you can ground yourself, seek support, and know you’re safe. You pause instead of panicking. You breathe instead of breaking. You speak truth over yourself instead of shame. That is healing, growth, and evidence of how far you’ve come.

    Faith adds a final layer of peace, reminding you that God never leaves you alone in the moments when old wounds echo. When something surfaces, He meets you there—not with judgment, but with gentleness. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” reminding us that His nearness doesn’t disappear just because the trauma has ended. He remains close in the remembering, in the unravelling, in the reprocessing, and in the restoration.

    So no, being triggered does not mean you haven’t healed. It means you’re healing in layers, tending to wounds you weren’t allowed to grow to before, and becoming whole step by step. It means you are strong enough to feel what once overwhelmed you. You’re not regressing. You’re human—and you’re healing. And every time you face a trigger with awareness, compassion, and faith, you take another step toward the freedom you’ve been working hard to reclaim.

  • International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

    Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, a day set aside to acknowledge a reality that affects far too many women around the world. It’s a reminder that this issue isn’t distant or rare—it’s something many women carry quietly in their homes, workplaces, families, and communities. For countless women, violence is not a headline or a statistic but a lived experience, one that often comes with silence, uncertainty, and a deep longing to be believed and supported.

    Violence against women shows up in many forms—physical, emotional, financial, psychological, spiritual, and institutional. Sometimes it is loud and obvious. At other times, it is hidden behind a smile, a polite answer, or a carefully constructed image. Many women who bravely step forward are met with skepticism or judgment, while those who caused the harm are often excused, defended, or protected. This imbalance is one of the reasons days like today matter. They create space for people to pause, listen, and reflect on the reality so many women live through, often without recognition or understanding.

    Even with the challenges, there is a rising strength among women. More and more are finding the courage to speak, share their stories, ask for help, and support one another. Every voice contributes to change. Every story brings clarity—every step forward, whether big or small, is a form of progress. Violence doesn’t end overnight, but it does begin to shift when people refuse to ignore it and when communities commit to creating safer, more compassionate environments for women.

    For survivors, today may evoke a complex mix of emotions—gratitude for how far they’ve come, sadness for what they endured, or hope for what their future holds. Wherever you are in your journey, your experience matters, and your healing matters. There is no right or wrong pace. Simply making it through each day is a form of strength in itself.

    For those still facing difficult situations, this day serves as a reminder that support is available, even if it feels distant. There are people and resources ready to help, and there is a life beyond the circumstances you’re facing right now—one marked by safety, steadiness, and peace.

    And for those who have never been personally affected by this issue, today is an invitation to listen, learn, and advocate. Even small acts—such as believing someone’s story, offering support without judgment, or simply being willing to learn—can make a meaningful difference.

    The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women is ultimately about awareness, compassion, and collective responsibility. It calls us to recognize what too many women have lived through and to commit ourselves to creating a world where they are safe, heard, and supported. Today matters—but so do the choices we make every day after.

  • A Message of Hope for Every Survivor

    There are chapters of my life I never expected to walk through—chapters I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Abuse leaves marks that the eye cannot see, and it sends your soul into terrain you never imagined you’d have to navigate. There were days when breathing felt like a battle, when getting out of bed felt like climbing a mountain, and when I wondered if the pain would ever loosen its grip on my life. But even in those darkest days, when the world felt silent and God felt far away, something sacred was happening: He was redeeming my story in ways I couldn’t yet see. I didn’t know it then, but every step I took—whether trembling, crawling, or barely moving at all—was leading me into a future God had already written with hope, purpose, and restoration.

    Survivors often hear, “You’re so strong,” but strength rarely feels like strength when you are fighting to hold yourself together. What carried me wasn’t my own power; it was God’s steady hand on my life when everything else was falling apart. He saw every tear I cried behind closed doors. He heard every prayer whispered from a heart that felt shattered. He caught every piece of me that was breaking—and gently began putting me back together. Pain didn’t disqualify me. Trauma didn’t destroy me. It actually became the soil where new strength, new identity, and new purpose began to grow.

    I’ve walked through days so dark that it felt like the sun might never rise. Abuse tries to convince you that your story is over, that you’re too broken, too damaged, too lost ever to be whole again. But abuse does not have the final say. God does. And God is a Redeemer. He takes what was meant to destroy you and uses it to build you stronger. He takes what was supposed to silence you and turns it into a testimony. He takes every lie spoken over you and replaces it with dignity, identity, and truth. Where others saw weakness, God saw a warrior. Where others tried to oppress, God prepared to elevate. Where others tried to erase your worth, God wrote it into eternity.

    I’ve lived through moments that should have crushed me. I’ve endured things that still bring tears to my eyes when I think about them. But here’s the truth: I am still standing. I am still healing. I am still rising. Not because of who harmed me, but because of who holds me. Every time I thought I’d reached the end, God whispered, “This is where I begin.” Every time I felt abandoned, He reminded me, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Every time I questioned my future, He said, “I am making all things new.” And He is—not just in my life, but in yours, too.

    If you are reading this and you feel like the darkness is still thick around you, if you feel like you’ve lost too much, or you’ve been hurt too deeply, if you wonder whether restoration is possible for someone like you, hear me: God is not done. The pages of your story are still turning. The healing you long for is still unfolding. The redemption you can’t yet see is already in motion. What others used to break you, God will use to bless you. What tried to destroy you will become the very testimony that sets others free. What felt like the end will become the beginning of something beautiful, something you never imagined was possible.

    There is hope for you. There is healing for you. There is joy ahead for you. Whether your steps are steady or trembling, keep going. Whether your voice is strong or quiet, keep speaking. Whether your faith feels certain or fragile, keep holding on. Because God is not just redeeming my story—He’s redeeming yours, too. And the same God who brought me through every valley, every battle, every storm, is walking with you right now. You are not forgotten. You are not forsaken. And you are not too broken to be made whole again. Your best chapters have yet to be written.

  • Silence Protects the Abuser, Not the Survivor

    Silence is often mistaken for peace, but for a survivor, silence is something entirely different. It is the place you retreat to when speaking feels dangerous. It is the space you hide in because telling the truth has never been met with safety. People on the outside don’t understand this—they wonder why you didn’t say something sooner, why you stayed, why you kept quiet. But they don’t realize that silence is not chosen lightly. It is shaped by conditioning, experience, fear, and by the knowledge of what happens when the truth threatens someone who lives behind a mask. Abusers cultivate silence. They depend on it the way a fire depends on oxygen. They groom you to downplay the harm, keep secrets, and question your own reality. They convince you that no one will believe you, that speaking up will make things worse, that you’re too dramatic, too emotional, misremembering, that you are overreacting, or too sensitive. They rely on your empathy, your loyalty, your desire to “keep the peace,” your hope that the good moments mean something. They weaponize your love. They twist logic, Scripture, or your words until you wonder if maybe staying quiet is easier than being destroyed. Silence becomes the price you pay to avoid punishment.

    But silence never protects the survivor—it protects the abuser. It keeps their reputation intact. It allows their lies to stand unchallenged. It preserves the image they’ve curated for the world: the charming spouse, the devoted parent, the respected professional, the person who could “never” do what you’re saying they did. Silence hides the truth that would expose the cruelty happening behind closed doors. And while you carry the weight of wounds you didn’t cause, they walk freely, confident that your silence will shield them from the consequences of their actions. That is how abuse survives—not because survivors are weak, but because abusers are strategic. They understand that their greatest threat is your voice. They know that if you ever speak, the illusion they rely on begins to crack. So they keep you quiet through fear, gaslighting, manipulation, shame, and spiritual distortion. They condition you to believe that your silence is necessary, noble, godly, or protective, but it isn’t. Silence is the cage they build around you.

    Yet something powerful happens when a survivor finally decides to speak. The moment the words leave your lips, even if your voice trembles, the darkness loses its grip. The truth begins to breathe. You feel the weight shift, not because everything becomes easy, but because the burden is no longer carried in secret. Speaking up does not create destruction—abuse does. Telling the truth does not divide families—abuse does. Naming the harm does not ruin reputations—abuse does. Survivors do not speak to punish. They speak to stop generational cycles, heal, protect their children, and reclaim the part of themselves that learned, for far too long, that their voice didn’t matter. And with every truth spoken, another layer of shame falls away. People may still choose to believe the lie. Some will prefer the illusion. Some will take the easy narrative rather than confront the real one. That is the cost of honesty in a world that idolizes appearances. But even then, your voice matters. Because silence protects the abuser, but truth protects the survivor. And once you step into truth, even if it costs you relationships, comfort, or approval, you step into freedom. You step into clarity. You step into the life you were meant to live before someone convinced you that hiding was safer than being heard. Silence may have protected them, but it will not protect them forever. There comes a day when the truth rises—in a whisper, sometimes in a roar—but either way, it rises. And when it does, you realize that your voice was never the danger. Your silence was. And choosing to speak is the moment everything begins to change—not because the past disappears, but because you finally refuse to carry it alone.

  • Not Alienated—Afraid: The Side of the Story Courts Ignore

    Few topics in family court create more confusion and more damage than “parental alienation.” For years, it has been used as a blanket accusation, a catch-all explanation for why a child resists seeing a parent. But like many ideas that take on a life of their own, the reality is far more complex, and far more heartbreaking.

    Is parental alienation real? In rare cases, yes—there are situations where one parent intentionally manipulates a child against the other for revenge, control, or personal gain. But more often than not, what is labelled as “alienation” is nothing more than the natural, instinctive reaction of a child who does not feel safe.

    And here is the part that very few people are willing to say out loud:

    Many children aren’t “alienated.” They’re afraid.

    They are not rejecting a parent because of poison from the other household. They are rejecting a parent because that parent caused harm—whether through emotional abuse, physical intimidation, manipulation, or the chaos the child had to live through. Children do not need to be coached to avoid someone who frightened them, minimized their feelings, or hurt the parent they love and depend on. They remember slammed doors. They remember yelling. They remember their mother crying in the bedroom while covering bruises or wiping away silent tears. They remember tension in the house thick enough to taste. And children, even the quiet ones, even the small ones, absorb everything.

    Yet in courtrooms across North America, these natural trauma responses are twisted into accusations: “She’s alienating the kids. “She’s turning them against me. “She’s brainwashing them.”

    This narrative is convenient for the abusive parent because it shifts all responsibility away from their behaviour and onto the protective parent—most often the mother. Instead of acknowledging the real reason the children resist contact, the abusive parent claims to be the victim. Suddenly, the mother becomes the one on trial, forced to defend herself against labels like “alienator” simply because she protected her children and herself from further harm.

    But children are far more intuitive than adults give them credit for. A child doesn’t need a lecture to understand who feels safe and who doesn’t. A child doesn’t need prompting to feel uneasy around someone who controlled, belittled, or terrified their mom. A child doesn’t need manipulation to remember how it felt when the energy in the home shifted at the sound of footsteps, or when their mom’s voice changed in fear.

    Calling this “alienation” is not only inaccurate—it’s cruel.

    It erases the child’s lived experience. It punishes protective parents. It rewards abusive ones. And it places children back into environments where their trauma is minimized, dismissed, or ignored altogether.

    The truth is simple: Children gravitate toward safety, not alienation. They pull away from chaos, not from love. They avoid what hurts them. They lean toward what comforts them.

    If they consistently choose one parent over another, especially after a history of abuse, the most logical explanation is not manipulation—it’s survival.

    This is why trauma-informed courts and child-protection experts warn against assuming parental alienation without a full, unbiased, evidence-based assessment. When systems rush to fit families into predetermined categories, children lose their voices. And mothers—especially those escaping domestic violence—are silenced, blamed, and punished for doing exactly what good mothers do: protect.

    Real parental alienation does exist. But it is far, far less common than the courts are led to believe.

    Much more common is this: Children who don’t feel safe with the parent who abused their mom, who carry unspoken memories that they don’t know how to articulate, whose bodies remember what their words cannot fully express, who are tired of pretending, and who want peace.

    If we genuinely care about children, we must stop weaponizing the term “parental alienation” against the very people trying to keep them safe. We must start listening—not to the loudest voice in the room, not the one with the best legal strategy, but to the subtle truths children reveal through their behaviour, discomfort, and desire for safety.

    Because at the end of the day, this isn’t about labels. It isn’t about court orders. It isn’t about winning or losing.

    It’s about children who have already lived through enough pain being allowed to choose safety without having their choices called manipulation.

    Sometimes, the most loving thing a child can do is distance themselves from the person who caused the harm. And sometimes the bravest thing a mother can do is stand her ground and refuse to let the truth be rewritten.

    When we understand that, we understand that what some call “parental alienation” is often nothing more than a child’s heart doing what it was created to do—protecting itself.