Survivor Speaks Truth

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  • International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

    Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, a day set aside to acknowledge a reality that affects far too many women around the world. It’s a reminder that this issue isn’t distant or rare—it’s something many women carry quietly in their homes, workplaces, families, and communities. For countless women, violence is not a headline or a statistic but a lived experience, one that often comes with silence, uncertainty, and a deep longing to be believed and supported.

    Violence against women shows up in many forms—physical, emotional, financial, psychological, spiritual, and institutional. Sometimes it is loud and obvious. At other times, it is hidden behind a smile, a polite answer, or a carefully constructed image. Many women who bravely step forward are met with skepticism or judgment, while those who caused the harm are often excused, defended, or protected. This imbalance is one of the reasons days like today matter. They create space for people to pause, listen, and reflect on the reality so many women live through, often without recognition or understanding.

    Even with the challenges, there is a rising strength among women. More and more are finding the courage to speak, share their stories, ask for help, and support one another. Every voice contributes to change. Every story brings clarity—every step forward, whether big or small, is a form of progress. Violence doesn’t end overnight, but it does begin to shift when people refuse to ignore it and when communities commit to creating safer, more compassionate environments for women.

    For survivors, today may evoke a complex mix of emotions—gratitude for how far they’ve come, sadness for what they endured, or hope for what their future holds. Wherever you are in your journey, your experience matters, and your healing matters. There is no right or wrong pace. Simply making it through each day is a form of strength in itself.

    For those still facing difficult situations, this day serves as a reminder that support is available, even if it feels distant. There are people and resources ready to help, and there is a life beyond the circumstances you’re facing right now—one marked by safety, steadiness, and peace.

    And for those who have never been personally affected by this issue, today is an invitation to listen, learn, and advocate. Even small acts—such as believing someone’s story, offering support without judgment, or simply being willing to learn—can make a meaningful difference.

    The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women is ultimately about awareness, compassion, and collective responsibility. It calls us to recognize what too many women have lived through and to commit ourselves to creating a world where they are safe, heard, and supported. Today matters—but so do the choices we make every day after.

  • Abusers Don’t Abuse Everyone: The Hidden Reality Behind the Mask

    One of the most misunderstood truths about abuse is this: abusers don’t abuse everyone. Some can be incredibly charming, helpful, and even appear selfless—especially if they are covert narcissists. This is one of the biggest reasons survivors often face disbelief when speaking up. To the outside world, the abuser may seem like the nicest person you could meet. They might be active in their community, generous with neighbours, and even affectionate with certain friends or family members. But behind closed doors—when the audience is gone—the mask slips, revealing their true nature. Abuse isn’t random. It’s targeted. Many narcissistic abusers choose one or two specific people to scapegoat, harm, and control, while treating others very differently. This selective cruelty allows them to maintain a flawless image, making it nearly impossible for others to believe the victim’s account. It isolates the victim, who may even doubt their reality: “If they’re so nice to everyone else, maybe it is me.”

    Covert narcissists are exceptionally skilled at hiding their abuse. They may present themselves as humble, misunderstood, or even wounded souls needing compassion. They use this carefully crafted persona to gain sympathy from others, deflect suspicion when accusations arise, and position themselves as the real “victim.” Sometimes they even spread subtle misinformation or outright lies to paint the actual victim as difficult, unkind, or unstable. When the public persona of an abuser is drastically different from the private reality, survivors face an uphill battle for validation. People who have only seen the “good side” can’t reconcile it with the survivor’s account. This disbelief is compounded by the fact that many people don’t want to accept that such cruel and manipulative behaviour exists—especially in someone they know or admire. This leaves survivors not only dealing with the trauma of the abuse itself but also the pain of being doubted or dismissed. It’s a second wound—often deeper than the first.

    Abuse thrives in secrecy and disbelief. The public charm, the selective kindness, and the carefully curated image are all part of the abuser’s control. They know exactly how to play the role that keeps them safe from accountability. The truth is, not everyone sees the abuse. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. If anything, it makes it more dangerous. Having one person who truly sees and believes them can make all the difference for survivors. And for the rest of us, the responsibility is clear: listen without judgment, educate ourselves about narcissistic abuse and manipulation, and never assume that someone’s public kindness is proof of their private integrity. When we understand that abusers don’t abuse everyone, we strip away one of their greatest weapons—the mask that hides their cruelty—and we take one step closer to a world where survivors can speak and be heard.

  • Abuse is Not a Therapy Issue: It’s a Sin Issue

    When people hear the word “abuse,” they often picture counselling sessions, therapy rooms, and treatment plans. And while therapy is a vital part of healing for survivors, it’s essential to make one truth very clear: abuse itself is not a therapy issue. Abuse is not caused by unresolved trauma, mental illness, or emotional wounds that need treatment. Abuse is a deliberate choice rooted in the desire for power and control.

    Abuse doesn’t happen because someone missed out on therapy or because they had a difficult past. Many people live with trauma, depression, anxiety, or painful childhoods and never choose to abuse others. Trauma may explain a person’s pain, but it does not excuse violent or controlling behaviour. When we frame abuse as a therapy problem, we unintentionally send the message that the abuser needs help and that with the proper counselling, their harmful behaviour will go away. The truth is, therapy might give an abuser new tools, but unless they choose to repent of their need to dominate and manipulate, those tools can make them more skilled at covering up what they are doing.

    At its core, abuse is about one person exerting power and control over another—whether that control is physical, emotional, financial, sexual, or even spiritual. Therapy is designed to address wounds, but abuse requires accountability. To say abuse is a therapy issue is like telling the victim of a robbery that the thief just needed counselling. That minimizes the crime and shifts responsibility away from the person who chose to harm. In the same way, excusing abuse as a therapy problem takes the focus off the abuser’s actions and places it on circumstances, when in reality it is a moral decision.

    This way of thinking also hurts victims. Survivors are often told to be patient while their abuser “works on themselves” or goes to counselling. This keeps them trapped in dangerous situations, hoping that therapy will change someone who has no intention of changing. It places pressure on them to wait it out and to keep being “understanding,” when what they really need is safety, validation, and a clear message that they are not responsible for another person’s choice to abuse them.

    The proper role of therapy belongs to the survivor. After enduring abuse, many carry deep wounds, confusion, and trauma that require professional care and support. Therapy can help survivors rebuild trust, reclaim their voice, and find a path toward healing and freedom. But to suggest that the abuse itself is a therapy issue blurs the lines and reinforces harmful expectations. Survivors do not need to wait for their abuser to “get better.” They must begin their restoration journey apart from the person who harmed them.

    What abuse requires is not excuses but accountability. Real change in an abuser only comes when they recognize their sin, repent of it, submit to accountability, and give up their need for control. That is not something therapy alone can create—it requires a complete moral and often spiritual transformation. Until then, boundaries, safety measures, and legal consequences are necessary in many cases. Abuse has never been a matter of poor communication, lack of coping skills, or untreated trauma. It is always a willful decision to harm.

    Abuse is not a therapy issue—it is an accountability issue. Therapy can heal wounds, but cannot cure a heart that refuses to take responsibility for its actions. As a society, in our communities, and in our churches, we need to stop excusing abuse under the cover of therapy and start demanding accountability, while at the same time offering healing and hope to those who have suffered. Victims deserve protection, not more patience.

  • Don’t Fill the Void—Heal It

    After walking through the heartbreak of abuse, it’s natural to long for something good, loving, and safe. When you’ve endured betrayal, deception, or loneliness, the desire for connection can feel overwhelming. You want to believe that the next relationship will make the pain fade, that love will somehow fix what was broken. The ache for companionship can be so intense that it feels like the only way forward. But here’s the truth: a new relationship is not a shortcut to healing.

    When we’ve been deeply wounded, it’s easy to mistake loneliness for readiness. The silence of an empty room can feel unbearable, and the thought of having someone beside us again seems like it would cure the ache. We convince ourselves that if we can find the right person, this pain will finally disappear. Yet entering a relationship to avoid facing our pain only buries the wound deeper. It does not erase it. Instead of healing, the hurt lingers beneath the surface, and in time it resurfaces in unhealthy ways. Abuse leaves scars that cannot be covered by affection, attention, or romance. Healing requires time, intentional work, and the grace of God. Skipping that process doesn’t protect you; it only postpones it.

    Taking the time to heal first matters more than many of us realize. Without it, we risk repeating the same patterns with a different face, cycling through relationships that leave us broken in familiar ways. Healing allows us to stop and reflect on what happened, see what we once could not, and learn how to build something different going forward. It also protects our hearts. A healed heart doesn’t demand someone else to complete it. Instead, it invites someone to complement what is already whole.

    It’s tempting to see a new relationship as a way to distract from the pain, but distraction is not the same as restoration. Healing is not about avoidance—it’s about transformation. As difficult as it is, leaning into the discomfort allows us to discover who we are apart from abuse, apart from someone else’s control, and apart from the lies we once believed about ourselves. This is where the real work is done. Sitting with the grief, wrestling with the “what ifs,” and allowing God to meet us in those raw places—it all shapes us into people who are stronger, wiser, and more deeply anchored in truth. Facing those wounds directly is painful, but it is also where strength is forged and wisdom is gained.

    The Bible reminds us that wholeness doesn’t come from another person but from God. Colossians 2:10 says, “You are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” When we seek healing in Him first, we release the impossible expectation for another human being to fill the spaces only God can fill. That shift allows any future relationship to be built on truth and freedom, not desperation or fear. Instead of clinging to someone else to prove we are lovable, we see that we already are. Instead of hoping someone else will mend what was broken, we discover that God is the healer of our hearts.

    So if you find yourself tempted to step into something new too quickly, pause and ask: Am I running toward someone, or am I running away from my pain? Choosing to heal first is not wasted time—it is sacred time. It is the season where God restores what was broken, rewrites your identity in His truth, and prepares you for the love and life He has ahead. The waiting is not a punishment; it is protection. It is the careful work of the Father shaping you, strengthening you, and teaching you to stand firmly on His love alone.

    You don’t need a new relationship to prove you are lovable—you are already loved. You don’t need someone else to complete you—you are already whole in Christ. And when the time is right, love will not be a bandage for your wounds. It will be a blessing added to your healing.

  • Why Early Recognition is Your Best Protection

    One of the most powerful tools you can have when it comes to protecting yourself from toxic people—especially abusers—is the ability to recognize the signs before you’re in too deep. The damage can already be done when you’re fully entangled in their charm, control, or manipulation. That’s why learning to spot specific patterns early can save you years of confidence, life and peace, and sometimes even your safety.

    Abusers rarely walk into your life wearing a warning label. They don’t introduce themselves as controlling, deceitful, or manipulative. They often do the opposite. They present themselves as attentive, charming, and understanding. They might even seem too good to be true—and that’s usually the first clue. Genuine people don’t need to perform perfectly. But an abuser’s image is everything, and they’ll make sure you see exactly what they want you to see.

    One of the earliest signs is how they talk about other people, especially their past partners. If every ex is described as “crazy,” “toxic,” or the one who ruined everything, be careful. That’s not just a coincidence—it’s a pattern. They shape your perception by planting seeds so you’ll side with them no matter what you hear later. They’re not giving you the truth; they’re giving you the version of events that keeps them in the role of hero or victim. And if you stay long enough, you’ll see that this same script will one day be used against you.

    Another sign is their inability to admit fault. Healthy people can acknowledge when they’re wrong and take steps to make things right. No matter the evidence, unhealthy people blame, deflect, or justify their behaviour. Accountability feels impossible with them, because admitting fault would mean chipping away at the flawless image they’ve built.

    Pay attention to how they handle criticism—both yours and others’. If even mild feedback sparks anger, defensiveness, or a subtle form of punishment like the silent treatment, that’s a clue you’re dealing with someone whose self-image is fragile beneath the surface. People who can’t tolerate being wrong will do whatever it takes to make sure they’re seen as right.

    And perhaps the clearest sign of all: watch what happens when their image is threatened. This could be as small as calling out an inconsistency or as big as someone else revealing the truth about them. In those moments, the mask slips. You might see false accusations, smear campaigns, rage, or an over-the-top performance of generosity or kindness designed to win back anyone who might doubt them. This isn’t about resolving the issue but regaining control over their perceptions.

    It’s important to spot these signs early because once you’re emotionally invested, leaving becomes harder. You’ll want to believe the version of them you first met. You’ll hold onto the good moments, even if they’re few and far between. And by the time you realize how much their behaviour has chipped away at your sense of self, they may already have a hold on your finances, reputation, or support system.

    Spotting it before it harms you means trusting your instincts when something feels off. It means listening to the red flags instead of talking yourself out of them. It means asking hard questions: Why do they need to be seen as perfect? Why is every ex a villain? Why can’t they take responsibility? Why does it feel like the rules don’t apply to them?

    Because here’s the truth—healthy relationships don’t require you to ignore your discomfort, silence your voice, or twist your reality to fit someone else’s narrative. And if you recognize the patterns now, you can walk away before you become the next chapter in their carefully crafted story.

    Spot it early. Believe in yourself. And choose your peace over their performance.

  • The Critical Difference: Trauma-Informed vs. Uninformed Support

    If you’ve ever walked out of a counselling session, church office, or a therapy appointment feeling worse than when you walked in—ashamed, confused, or even invalidated, you’re not alone. And you’re not crazy.

    What you likely encountered was someone uninformed, not trauma-informed.

    For survivors of abuse, especially emotional, relational, or spiritual trauma, this difference is everything. The person you turn to for help can be a lifeline or another layer of harm.

    A trauma-informed counsellor, pastor, or therapist understands that trauma doesn’t just live in memories; it lives in the body, the nervous system, and the choices we make. They know that trauma affects the way we connect, feel, react, and think. They listen without rushing to fix. They validate instead of minimizing. They walk gently, knowing it’s difficult for you to trust.

    A trauma-informed person will never question the reality of your experience because it doesn’t “sound that bad.” They’ll never pressure you to reconcile with someone who harmed you. They won’t use Scripture as a weapon or suggest that forgiveness means you must return to your abuser. They understand that emotional, physical, and spiritual safety must come first.

    On the other hand, someone who is uninformed may mean well. But they often cause more harm than good. They might tell you to “pray harder,” “submit more,” or “just forgive and move on.” They might ask what you did to contribute to the situation. They might encourage you to preserve the relationship at all costs, even when that cost is your well-being. And they might do it all with a smile, believing they’re helping.

    But they’re not. What they’re doing is adding shame to pain. Silencing a voice that’s only just begun to speak. Asking a survivor to make peace with something that nearly destroyed them.

    The truth is, no matter how kind or well-intentioned someone is, if they’re not trauma-informed, they can’t fully support someone who is healing from trauma because trauma requires more than kindness. It requires awareness, discernment, education, humility, and wisdom. And a willingness to unlearn the harmful narratives passed down for generations, especially in faith spaces.

    Trauma-informed support recognizes that you are the expert of your own story. It empowers you to trust your instincts. It allows space for your questions, healing process, and boundaries. It does not guilt or rush you. It honours that you are still here and survived what was meant to destroy you.

    And that survival deserves more than platitudes. It deserves compassion, safety and truth.

    So if you’ve ever felt dismissed by someone you turned to for help, please hear this: it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t expect too much. You didn’t exaggerate. You weren’t being dramatic. You needed someone who understood the weight you were carrying. Someone who can hold space without trying to fill it. Someone trauma-informed.

    And they do exist.

    You don’t have to stay in spaces where your pain is misunderstood or minimized. You deserve better. You deserve support that sees you, believes you, and walks gently beside you on the long road to healing.

    Choose safe people. And when you find them, hold onto them—because trauma may have shaped your story, but it does not get to decide the ending.

  • “She’s Just Difficult” — The Misconception About Abused Women

    One of the most damaging lies ever told about women who have survived abuse is that they are too much. Too emotional. Too guarded. Too hard to love. Too sensitive.

    It’s a narrative that doesn’t just misunderstand trauma—it weaponizes it.

    Women who have been abused aren’t difficult. They are cautious. They are layered. They are learning to navigate a world that has, more than once, proven unsafe.

    When someone has experienced betrayal from someone who once said, “I love you,” trust doesn’t come easily. That’s not dysfunction—that’s self-preservation.

    When someone has been blamed, degraded, gaslighted, and manipulated, they may flinch at raised voices, silence in the middle of an argument or changes in tone. That’s not drama; it’s a nervous system trying to protect itself.

    When someone has been repeatedly told they are the problem, they may need more clarity, reassurance, and space to process. That’s not insecurity; it’s unlearning years of emotional warfare.

    Yet society often looks at these survivors and says, “She’s damaged.”“She’s just too broken.” “She’s hard to love.”

    But what if the truth is the opposite?

    What if she’s not hard to love—what if she needs to be loved right? With consistency, gentleness, patience, and truth.

    What if the real issue isn’t that she’s difficult but that most people have no idea how to love someone who’s had to survive what she has?

    It takes strength to open up again after betrayal, courage to choose vulnerability after being shamed for your feelings, and immense faith to love again when love was the very thing that hurt you most.

    The women who have walked through abuse and still show up with open hearts, hopeful spirits, and a willingness to heal—those women are not difficult.

    They are remarkable.

    They are resilient.

    And they deserve to be seen not as burdens but as humans. As survivors. As daughters of God doing the hard work of healing.

    If you’re one of those women, hear this:

    You are not hard to love. You are learning how to trust. You are allowed to have boundaries, emotions, and needs. And you are worthy—not despite your story, but because of it.

    It’s time to bury the lie that trauma makes someone unlovable. The truth? It reveals the depth of a soul that has survived hell and is still choosing to hope.

    That kind of woman isn’t too much. She’s extraordinary.

  • Don’t Settle Just Because It’s Better Than Before

    There’s a quiet kind of trap that many survivors of abuse or trauma fall into, and it’s not always easy to spot.

    It happens when you finally escape the chaos, the screaming stops, the manipulation ends, and the wounds are fresh, but you’re no longer bleeding. You find something—or someone—that feels calmer, safer, and softer than you had. And you breathe out for the first time in a long time.

    And then, without even realizing it, you settle.

    Because it’s better than what you had.

    Because they’re not cruel. Because they don’t raise their voice. Because they bring you flowers or say sorry when they mess up. Because you can finally sleep through the night. And after surviving so much, it feels like a miracle.

    But “better” doesn’t always mean right.

    You didn’t go through everything you’ve gone through to stop at “better.” You didn’t survive the fire just to settle for the first place that didn’t burn. And you don’t need to convince yourself that crumbs are enough just because you were starving before.

    It’s okay to want more, expect more, and hold out for more.

    You deserve wholeness, not just the absence of harm. You deserve to be chosen, cherished, and respected, not just tolerated. You deserve connection, not confusion—peace, not pressure—clarity, not games.

    Settling doesn’t always look like choosing the worst option—it often looks like choosing the first one that feels safe.

    But safety is just the starting point, not the standard.

    Healing will teach you this. It will show you that your worth was never tied to someone’s treatment of you. Surviving abuse didn’t make you less worthy of real love—it made you more equipped to recognize the difference. That your story isn’t over just because the nightmare ended. There’s still joy—still promise. There is still redemption ahead.

    And I know—waiting is hard. Loneliness aches in ways words can’t explain. But settling for less than you deserve out of fear that you won’t find anything more is not love—it’s self-abandonment. And you’ve already abandoned yourself too many times to keep the peace, stay small, or not be alone.

    So please, don’t stay in something just because it’s better than before.

    Better is not the finish line—healing, freedom, mutual love and respect, peace, and safety are. 

    You’re allowed to raise your standards as your healing deepens. You can say, “This is good, but it’s not God’s best for me.” You can let go of what’s “better” to step into what’s meant.

    You didn’t fight this hard to settle now.

    You’re worthy of more.

    And more is coming.

  • “She’s Crazy” — The Weaponizing of Mental Health to Discredit Survivors

    One of the oldest tricks in the abuser’s playbook is to shift the focus from their behaviour to their victim’s mental state.

    “She has issues.”

    “She needs help.”

    “She overreacts.”

    “She’s unstable.”

    If you’ve ever heard a version of this—especially coming from someone who’s been accused of abuse—pause and pay attention. Because this narrative isn’t just damaging… it’s calculated.

    Why Abusers Use This Tactic

    When an abuser senses that their mask is slipping—that someone might start asking questions or that their victim may begin speaking out—they often try to discredit the victim preemptively. One of the most effective ways to do this? Question their mental health.

    Because if they can convince others that you’re “crazy,” then your version of events doesn’t matter. If they can paint you as unstable, they never have to take responsibility for what they did.

    It’s not just manipulation. It’s character assassination. And it’s cruel.

    The Truth About Trauma

    Trauma does affect mental health. When someone’s been gaslighted, lied to, manipulated, isolated, and abused—they may cry more easily. They may feel anxious. They may struggle with trust. They may seem “off” or “emotional.” And guess what? That’s not evidence of instability. That’s evidence of survival.

    But abusers know how to weaponize the very symptoms they caused. They push you to the edge, then point to your reaction as the problem.

    “See how she acts? This is why I had to leave.”She’s always been difficult.”She needs therapy.”

    There is no mention of the years they chipped away at your sense of self. There is no mention of the lies, the betrayal, or the emotional whiplash. Just the neat, tidy version that makes them look like the rational one and you the wreck.

    The Danger of Believing Only What You See

    The person who appears calm and composed isn’t always innocent. And the person who is emotional, broken, or angry isn’t always unstable—they’re often telling the truth.

    Abusers are often charming in public and cruel in private. They know how to perform. They know how to win people over. And they know that if they can get others to doubt your mental state, they don’t have to answer for what they did.

    So they go on a quiet campaign: subtle comments, sighs of concern, and “just trying to help.” The real victim sits alone, wondering why no one believes them.

    What You Can Do

    If someone comes to you saying they were abused, don’t dismiss them because the other person seems “so nice” or “put together.” Don’t be quick to assume that emotional expression means instability. Listen. Ask questions. Be discerning.

    And if you are the one who’s been labelled “crazy,”—you’re not alone.

    You’re not crazy for crying. You’re not crazy for being angry. You’re not crazy for finally speaking up.

    You’re human. You’ve been hurt. And you’re still standing, which proves your strength, not your weakness.

    God Sees What People Can’t

    People may be fooled by performance, but God is not. He sees what is done in secret, hears what is whispered in the dark, and is near the brokenhearted—not the ones who pretend to be whole while breaking others.

    If you’ve been discredited, misjudged, or dismissed, know this: Your truth still matters. Your voice still matters. And healing is still possible—even after the world turned its back.

    You don’t need to convince everyone. You don’t need to defend your sanity. You don’t need to carry their lies.

    Let God be your defender. He sees, knows, and will bring justice in His perfect time.