“They would never do that.”
It’s a phrase we hear often—spoken with confidence, certainty, and sometimes even indignation. It’s usually uttered by someone defending someone they know or believe they can vouch for. But here’s the truth that often goes unspoken:
“They would never do that” usually means, “They’ve never done it to me.”
And that’s a huge difference.
We all interpret people through the lens of our own experiences with them. If someone has only ever been kind to you, it’s natural to assume they are kind. If they’ve never lied to you, you believe they are honest. If they’ve never harmed you, you might conclude they are safe. But what if they only treat you that way because there’s nothing for them to gain by mistreating you?
What if their cruelty is reserved for those closest to them—the ones they feel they can control, manipulate, or silence?
People are not always consistent across relationships. Abusers don’t abuse everyone. Manipulators aren’t always obvious. Some of the most harmful people are also the most charming, polite, generous, and helpful—when it serves them.
So when someone says, “They would never do that,” they’re not stating the truth. They’re making a statement about their personal experience. And while personal experience matters, it is not the whole picture.
It’s easy to dismiss a victim’s account when it doesn’t align with what we’ve seen. But just because you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Just because they smile at you doesn’t mean they don’t scream at someone else behind closed doors. Just because they seem godly in church doesn’t mean they aren’t a nightmare at home.
Abusers wear masks. And sometimes, those masks are so convincing that even the most discerning people can be fooled.
The real danger in saying “they would never do that” is that it shuts down conversation. It invalidates the lived experience of someone who did witness it. Someone who was on the receiving end. It implies that your experience with the person outweighs theirs—as if proximity to goodness cancels out proximity to pain.
But both realities can coexist. A person can be kind to some and cruel to others. They can be generous with friends and controlling with family. They can charm a crowd and terrorize their partner.
If someone is brave enough to speak up and say, “They did this to me,” the response should not be, “They would never.” The response should be, “Tell me what happened.” It should be one of curiosity, not condemnation—compassion, not dismissal.
The truth is, many victims stay silent for years because they’ve heard that exact phrase echo in the background: They would never. And in their minds, that means no one would believe them. So they suffer quietly. They shrink. They question themselves. They internalize shame that never belonged to them.
So let’s change the narrative.
Instead of insisting on what someone would or wouldn’t do, let’s acknowledge what we don’t know. Let’s recognize that people show different sides to different people. Let’s create a world where someone can share their story without fear of being met with disbelief.
Because when we say, “They would never,” we’re really saying, “I choose not to believe you.”
And that choice has consequences.
You don’t have to have seen it for it to be true. You don’t have to understand it for it to matter. You have to listen—with humility, empathy, and the awareness that sometimes, what we think we know is only part of the story.
Let’s stop silencing survivors with our certainty. Let’s start believing that just because they never did it to you doesn’t mean they didn’t do it to someone.
Survivor Speaks Truth 