Survivor Speaks Truth

Tag: Manipulation

  • Abuse Is Not a Mistake — It’s a Choice

    It’s not an accident when someone hurts you repeatedly, intentionally, and without remorse. It’s not a slip-up, a moment of weakness, or a one-time lapse in judgment. Abuse is not a mistake. Abuse is a choice.

    We need to say this louder and clearer than ever before because too many victims have been conditioned to second-guess their reality, minimize what’s happening behind closed doors, and carry the weight of someone else’s destructive behaviour, all while wondering, “Was it that bad?” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it.”

    But here’s the truth: abuse is deliberate. It’s calculated. It’s repeated. And it thrives in environments where it can go unchecked, hidden behind smiles, charm, and public displays of affection.

    The Test: Can They Control It?

    One of the most revealing indicators that abuse is not a mistake is this: abusers often have remarkable self-control, just not with you.

    Think about it.

    Can they hold themselves together at work? Can they treat their friends with kindness and respect? Can they stay calm and collected in front of strangers, their boss, their pastor, or even the police?

    If the answer is yes, then they can choose how they behave. They have control over their actions. The anger, gaslighting, insults, intimidation, and shouting? Those are not reflexes—they’re choices.

    It’s not that they can’t do better. It’s that they won’t.

    They’ve decided you don’t deserve the respect they show others. They’ve made you the target, the emotional punching bag, the one who absorbs all the pain they refuse to deal with. And that decision to lower the mask behind closed doors isn’t accidental; it’s intentional.

    Mistakes Look Different

    Mistakes include forgetting to text back, burning dinner, or saying something careless and then feeling remorseful. However, mistakes come with ownership, apologies, and a genuine effort to make things right.

    Abuse, on the other hand, is marked by patterns or cycles of control, harm, and manipulation. And while it may be followed by apologies or love-bombing, those moments are not repentant; they’re part of the cycle. A means to regain control. A way to keep the victim tethered in confusion and hope.

    The Mask in Public

    One of the most disorienting parts of abuse is how invisible it can be to everyone else. Abusers are often charismatic, well-liked, and even praised for how “loving” or “fun” they seem. They know how to play the part. They know when to turn it on.

    You’ve probably heard it before:

    “He’s so nice! “She seems like such a great mom! “I can’t imagine them doing something like that.”

    But that’s the point. They don’t act that way with others because they choose not to. It’s not a lack of emotional regulation. It’s a deliberate decision to harm you and protect their reputation simultaneously.

    That’s not a mistake. That’s manipulation.

    You Are Not Overreacting

    If you’re reading this and it resonates, please know that you are not crazy, or too sensitive.

    What you’re experiencing, or have experienced, is real. And just because others can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. That’s often how abusers operate: they isolate you, discredit you, and make sure no one else sees the version of them that you live with every day.

    Abuse Is a Choice—And So Is Healing

    We can’t force abusers to change. We can’t make them take responsibility or stop hurting others. But we can choose healing. We can choose freedom. And we can choose to stop accepting excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

    No one “accidentally” abuses someone repeatedly. They chose it. And you can choose to break free.

    If this spoke to you, or if you’re walking through the confusion and aftermath of abuse, you don’t have to do it alone. Healing is possible. And your story matters.

  • Unraveling Trauma Bonds: Why We Stay, and How We Heal

    To someone who hasn’t lived it, trauma bonding makes little sense. Why would someone stay in a relationship where they’re being hurt? Why defend the person causing the pain? Why go back, even after leaving?

    But for those who’ve experienced it, trauma bonding isn’t just a concept, it’s a deeply disorienting and painful reality. The invisible thread keeps you tethered to something breaking you, yet it feels impossible to let go of. Because somewhere in the chaos, there were moments that felt like love. And you learned to cling to those moments like lifelines.

    Trauma bonding happens when abuse is laced with intermittent affection, apologies, or kindness. It creates an emotional trap—a loop of confusion, fear, longing, and misplaced hope. You begin to associate your survival with the very person causing you harm. The brain responds to the unpredictability with heightened attachment, chemically binding you to the one hurting you. It’s not because you’re weak or naïve. It’s because your nervous system has been conditioned by trauma. And trauma changes everything.

    You lose pieces of yourself when you’re caught in this cycle. You question your judgment. You silence your instincts. You internalize the blame. There’s a deep sense of guilt and shame, and a loyalty that defies logic. You think, but they weren’t always like this. Or, maybe if I try harder, love more, wait longer, it’ll go back to the beginning. Worse still, you may begin to wonder if the problem is you.

    This is the cruel genius of a trauma bond—it convinces you that pain is love, that chaos is passion, and staying is strength. And no matter how much it hurts, leaving feels even harder. Because what if they change? What if you’re wrong? What if you never feel that high again?

    Breaking free from a trauma bond is one of the hardest things a person can do. And not because you don’t know it’s toxic, but because the emotional pull is so powerful. It results from intermittent reinforcement—the cycle of hope and disappointment, tenderness and cruelty, apologies followed by more harm. Your brain latches onto the highs and tries to erase the lows. Add in fear of abandonment, loneliness, or retaliation, and it becomes even harder. Then there’s the gaslighting, manipulation, and the slow erosion of your reality until you no longer trust your thoughts. Your world shrinks. You forget who you were before them. Your identity becomes entangled in their approval. And through it all, a stubborn hope remains: that maybe the love you once glimpsed will finally stay.

    But healing begins with truth. Love doesn’t break you, confuse you, or make you feel like you’re losing your mind. Love doesn’t demand your silence. Love doesn’t punish you for having boundaries. Love doesn’t hold you hostage with guilt.

    To begin healing, you must first name it. You can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. And once you name it, you begin to see the pattern instead of just the person. If it’s safe, distance yourself, limit contact, and create space to breathe, feel, and think again. If children or circumstances make that difficult, anchor yourself in boundaries that protect your peace.

    Find support. You don’t have to do this alone. Trauma-informed therapy, support groups, and safe, validating relationships can help you rebuild your foundation. Healing requires being seen by yourself and by others who know what it’s like to crawl out of darkness.

    Stop romanticizing the past. It wasn’t all good. If it were, you wouldn’t be in pain. Remind yourself of the pattern, not just the apology. Remember that temporary kindness is not transformation. That love that only comes after cruelty isn’t love at all.

    Start tending to your nervous system. Trauma lives in the body. Breathwork, grounding exercises, EMDR, movement, and even moments of stillness are all tools that begin to rewire what trauma has tangled. As your body feels safe, your mind starts to follow.

    And perhaps most importantly, come back to yourself. Who were you before you were made small? Before you were taught to apologize for your needs? Before your voice was silenced and your light dimmed? You are still in there. Healing means remembering, reclaiming, and rebuilding.

    As you walk this path, your standards will change. Your tolerance for chaos will diminish. Your peace will become non-negotiable. You’ll stop accepting breadcrumbs in the name of potential. You’ll stop explaining your worth to people who refuse to see it. And in time, the bond that once felt unbreakable will no longer have a hold on you.

    If you’re in the middle of that process, please know that the bond was real. But it was built on pain, not love. It might feel like your heart is breaking, but you are saving your life.

    Healing doesn’t happen all at once. There will be days when grief rises unexpectedly. Days when you feel the urge to reach out. Days when the loneliness feels unbearable. But there will also be days when you laugh freely again. When you feel the sun on your face and realize you’re no longer walking on eggshells. Days when you look in the mirror and finally see someone you recognize and deeply respect.

    You are not broken. You are healing, which is the most courageous and powerful thing you can do.

    You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone or defend the truth. You are allowed to walk away from pain and begin again. And you will.

    The bond may have been strong, but your healing broke its grip.

  • Disarming a Narcissist: Taking Back Your Power Without Playing Their Game

    If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist—familial, romantic, professional—you know how exhausting it is. It’s like trying to reason with a tornado while standing in its path. No matter what you say, they twist it. No matter what you do, it’s never enough. And the moment you reclaim your power, they ramp up their manipulation.

    So, how do you disarm someone who thrives on attention, chaos, and control?

    The answer may surprise you: You stop giving them what they feed on.

    1. Don’t Defend, Don’t Explain, Don’t Engage

    Narcissists want a reaction. They feed off your emotional responses—anger, attempts to explain, and tears. The more you try to defend yourself, the more ammunition you give them to twist the narrative.

    Disarm them by refusing to play the game.

    Let your silence be louder than their accusations. Let your calm be more powerful than their chaos. You don’t need to defend what’s true. The truth doesn’t change just because they refuse to see it.

    2. Stick to Facts, Not Feelings

    Narcissists will use your feelings against you. The more vulnerable you are, the more they exploit it. That doesn’t mean you must stop feeling, but guard your emotions in their presence.

    If you must communicate (especially in co-parenting or work situations), keep it brief, emotionless, and factual. 

    Example: Not: “I feel like you’re always trying to manipulate me.” But: “I’m not available at that time. Please email me any future requests.”

    The goal isn’t to win—because with a narcissist, the game is rigged. The goal is to disengage with dignity.

    3. Gray Rock Method

    This is one of the most effective ways to disarm a narcissist: become as interesting as a gray rock.

    Be boring, non-reactive, and uninterested in their drama. Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you flustered or upset. They crave attention—any attention. Even negative attention feeds their ego. Don’t give them what they want.

    They’ll likely escalate at first when they sense they’re losing control, but over time, they’ll move on to a new target if they can no longer manipulate you.

    4. Set Boundaries and Keep Them

    Narcissists hate boundaries. They view them as personal attacks. But boundaries are your lifeline.

    You don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your mind, emotions, or time—especially not someone who repeatedly disrespects them.

    Say “no” without explanation. End conversations when they turn manipulative. Block, mute, or walk away when necessary. You are not mean for protecting your peace. You are wise.

    5. Don’t Try to Change Them

    One of the most challenging truths to accept is that you cannot fix a narcissist. They don’t see a problem with their behaviour, self-reflect, or repent. They will charm, gaslight, lie, and love bomb—but it’s all about control, not change.

    Disarming a narcissist doesn’t mean they change. It means you do. You change how you respond. You take back your voice. You choose not to be their supply anymore.

    6. Reclaim Your Identity

    Narcissists are masters at rewriting history. They’ll try to convince you that you were the problem, that your memory is flawed, and that your worth is conditional.

    But God says otherwise.

    You are not what they say you are. You are not crazy, you are not too emotional, and you are not hard to love.

    You are chosen. Loved. Worth protecting.

    “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” – Psalm 9:9

    7. Let God Be Your Defender

    You don’t need to prove your truth to those committed to believing a lie. You don’t need to fight every battle—they aren’t worth your peace. You don’t need to carry shame that was never yours.

    Disarming a narcissist isn’t about revenge—it’s about release. It’s choosing freedom over retaliation and healing over hostility—God’s justice over your own.

    And trust me—He sees it all. Every manipulation. Every lie. Every twisted half-truth they told to protect their image while destroying yours.

    In the end, truth always rises. And you? Walk away. 

  • “She’s Crazy” — The Weaponizing of Mental Health to Discredit Survivors

    One of the oldest tricks in the abuser’s playbook is to shift the focus from their behaviour to their victim’s mental state.

    “She has issues.”

    “She needs help.”

    “She overreacts.”

    “She’s unstable.”

    If you’ve ever heard a version of this—especially coming from someone who’s been accused of abuse—pause and pay attention. Because this narrative isn’t just damaging… it’s calculated.

    Why Abusers Use This Tactic

    When an abuser senses that their mask is slipping—that someone might start asking questions or that their victim may begin speaking out—they often try to discredit the victim preemptively. One of the most effective ways to do this? Question their mental health.

    Because if they can convince others that you’re “crazy,” then your version of events doesn’t matter. If they can paint you as unstable, they never have to take responsibility for what they did.

    It’s not just manipulation. It’s character assassination. And it’s cruel.

    The Truth About Trauma

    Trauma does affect mental health. When someone’s been gaslighted, lied to, manipulated, isolated, and abused—they may cry more easily. They may feel anxious. They may struggle with trust. They may seem “off” or “emotional.” And guess what? That’s not evidence of instability. That’s evidence of survival.

    But abusers know how to weaponize the very symptoms they caused. They push you to the edge, then point to your reaction as the problem.

    “See how she acts? This is why I had to leave.”She’s always been difficult.”She needs therapy.”

    There is no mention of the years they chipped away at your sense of self. There is no mention of the lies, the betrayal, or the emotional whiplash. Just the neat, tidy version that makes them look like the rational one and you the wreck.

    The Danger of Believing Only What You See

    The person who appears calm and composed isn’t always innocent. And the person who is emotional, broken, or angry isn’t always unstable—they’re often telling the truth.

    Abusers are often charming in public and cruel in private. They know how to perform. They know how to win people over. And they know that if they can get others to doubt your mental state, they don’t have to answer for what they did.

    So they go on a quiet campaign: subtle comments, sighs of concern, and “just trying to help.” The real victim sits alone, wondering why no one believes them.

    What You Can Do

    If someone comes to you saying they were abused, don’t dismiss them because the other person seems “so nice” or “put together.” Don’t be quick to assume that emotional expression means instability. Listen. Ask questions. Be discerning.

    And if you are the one who’s been labelled “crazy,”—you’re not alone.

    You’re not crazy for crying. You’re not crazy for being angry. You’re not crazy for finally speaking up.

    You’re human. You’ve been hurt. And you’re still standing, which proves your strength, not your weakness.

    God Sees What People Can’t

    People may be fooled by performance, but God is not. He sees what is done in secret, hears what is whispered in the dark, and is near the brokenhearted—not the ones who pretend to be whole while breaking others.

    If you’ve been discredited, misjudged, or dismissed, know this: Your truth still matters. Your voice still matters. And healing is still possible—even after the world turned its back.

    You don’t need to convince everyone. You don’t need to defend your sanity. You don’t need to carry their lies.

    Let God be your defender. He sees, knows, and will bring justice in His perfect time.

  • When Abusers Can’t Control You, They Control the Narrative

    One of the most painful parts of abuse isn’t just the betrayal that happens behind closed doors—it’s what happens after. When the abuser, so skilled in manipulation and deception, begins to rewrite the story. When they paint themselves as the victim, you, the one who endured the pain in silence for so long, are cast as the villain.

    This isn’t accidental; it’s intentional, and it’s part of the abuse.

    Abusers don’t just harm in private—they also launch smear campaigns in public. They know how to twist narratives, fabricate half-truths, and tell just enough of a story to make themselves look wounded and noble while quietly dismantling your character behind your back. They weaponize their charm and social connections to discredit you, all while maintaining their image of righteousness.

    They go to great lengths to turn people against you. Why? Because they need control. Even after you leave.

    They don’t want people to see the truth. Because if the truth were seen, the mask would fall—and with it, the power they hold over others. So, they preemptively strike. They sow seeds of doubt before you even open your mouth. They spread rumors. They share “concerns.” They tell people you’re unstable, bitter, unforgiving, or even abusive yourself. They will use tears, Scripture, and false humility to garner sympathy—and most of the time, people believe them.

    Because here’s the thing: abusers don’t look like abusers. They often look like kind, involved parents. They serve in churches. They say all the right things. They show up to community events with smiles and handshakes. They know exactly how to appear trustworthy, responsible, and gentle. And when they begin to subtly (or not-so-subtly) tarnish your name, people listen. Not because they’re evil—but because they don’t know better.

    And in the process, you find yourself isolated. People stop calling. They unfollow you. You hear whispers. You get messages from mutual friends saying things like, “I don’t know what happened, but I just want peace,” or “I can’t take sides.”And suddenly, you’re grieving not just the abuse—but the loss of a community you thought would support you. The silence is deafening. The abandonment is cruel. The injustice is unbearable.

    But it is not your fault.

    This is what abusers do. It’s called DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. They deny what they’ve done, attack your credibility, and make themselves look like the wounded party. It’s a psychological tactic designed to confuse everyone watching, including you.

    If you’re in this place—questioning your reality, wondering how so many people could believe the lies—know this: you are not alone. Many survivors have walked this same path. And while it’s excruciating, it’s also a sign that the abuser is losing their grip on you—so they’re working overtime to keep their grip on others.

    They are afraid of the truth getting out, of losing the power they’ve built through deceit, and of being exposed if people knew the real story.

    So they make sure to speak first, manipulate the narrative, and ensure that by the time you finally find the courage to speak up, people already doubt you.

    But God sees it all.

    He sees the lies. He sees the slander. He sees your effort to protect someone who never protected you. He sees the relationships you’ve lost—not because of who you are, but because of what someone else twisted about you.

    And He will make it right.

    Psalm 37:5-6 says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday.”

    You don’t have to fight every lie. You don’t have to chase down every rumour. You don’t have to beg people to believe you.

    Truth has a way of rising. And while the pain of the smear campaign feels unbearable, it will not last forever. Those who are meant to see will see in time. And those who were easily swayed were never meant to walk with you in this season of healing anyway.

    If someone truly loves you, they won’t form an opinion about your story without talking to you directly. If they walk away without hearing your side, let them go. God is clearing the room.

    Yes, abusers go to great lengths to turn people against you. But don’t forget—you walked through fire. You survived the storm. You carry a truth they cannot touch.

    And no matter what anyone else believes, God knows the whole story. And in His time, so will the rest.

  • Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

    Not every threat comes snarling. Some threats come smiling—disarming, charismatic, even “godly.” That’s what makes a wolf in sheep’s clothing so dangerous. They look the part. They speak the language. They blend in with the flock. But beneath the surface, their intentions are predatory.

    Jesus warned us about them clearly: “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves” (Matthew 7:15). This wasn’t just about ancient Pharisees or future deceivers—it’s a warning for today. And too many of us have learned it the hard way.

    Maybe you trusted someone because they quoted Scripture, volunteered at church, or said all the right things. But behind closed doors, their words cut, their actions confused, and their presence drained the life out of you. When you tried to speak up, you were told to forgive, submit, and pray harder.

    So, how can you spot a wolf before they tear your world apart?

    How to Identify a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

    1. Charm Over Character

    Wolves often rely on charisma. They know how to win people with smiles, compliments, and surface-level spirituality. But charm is not character. Character is who someone is when no one is watching. A wolf may appear loving in public but be controlling, cruel, or passive-aggressive in private.

    2. Control Disguised as Care

    They might frame their control as “protection” or “concern,” but healthy love empowers—it doesn’t confine. If someone monitors your movements, isolates you from others, or constantly needs to know where you are, that’s not love. That’s fear wearing a mask.

    3. Lack of Accountability

    Wolves rarely admit when they’re wrong. They shift blame, twist the narrative, or accuse you of being too sensitive, emotional, or unforgiving. They’re skilled at turning the tables—especially when caught.

    4. Two-Faced Living

    One of the most evident signs of a wolf is the duplicity between who they are publicly and privately. If someone is praised by others but your experience is filled with confusion, fear, and pain—listen to that tension. You’re not crazy. You’re likely seeing the truth behind the mask.

    5. They Weaponize Scripture

    They use the Bible not to bring healing or accountability but to control and silence. Verses about submission, forgiveness, or unity are used to keep victims in abusive situations. But Jesus never used Scripture to silence the oppressed—only to confront the oppressors.

    How to Expose a Wolf

    1. Speak the Truth—Even if Your Voice Shakes

    Wolves thrive in silence. They rely on your fear and shame to keep their secrets safe. But the truth is light. You don’t owe the world your entire story, but you can tell the truth about your experiences. God is not honoured by your silence if it protects a lie.

    2. Let Their Fruit Speak

    Jesus said we would know them by their fruit (Matthew 7:16). That means the truth reveals itself over time. Is there peace around them or chaos? Healing or harm? Real love bears good fruit—wolves leave destruction in their wake.

    3. Document Everything

    In cases of emotional, financial, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse, keep records. Save messages, journal patterns, and speak to someone who understands abuse dynamics. You don’t need evidence to know what happened to you—but having it may help others understand and protect themselves.

    4. Don’t Expect Support from Everyone

    Many people will be fooled by the sheep costume. Don’t let their disbelief cause you to question your reality. Even Jesus was betrayed by someone who sat at His table. You don’t need universal validation to walk in truth.

    How to Protect Yourself

    1. Pray for Discernment

    Discernment is a spiritual gift, and we need it more than ever. Ask God to reveal hidden motives, to guard your heart, and to show you what is real. Not everything that glitters is gold—and not everyone who says “Lord, Lord” knows Him (Matthew 7:21).

    2. Set Boundaries Without Guilt

    Boundaries are not unloving—they are necessary. Jesus walked away from certain crowds, confronted sin directly, and didn’t entrust Himself to those with wrong motives (John 2:24). You are allowed to say no, step back, and protect your peace.

    3. Surround Yourself With Truth-Tellers

    You need people who love you enough to tell you the truth—even when it’s hard—and who believe you when you speak the truth. Healing starts in safe spaces. If someone consistently gaslights you or makes you feel crazy, that’s not a safe space.

    4. Trust the Holy Spirit

    The Spirit will lead you into all truth (John 16:13). Even if others are deceived, even if you’ve been silenced before, God sees it all. He knows the heart, and He is not mocked. Everything hidden will be brought into the light (Luke 8:17).

    You’re Not Alone

    If you’ve survived a wolf in sheep’s clothing, you know the unique pain of spiritual betrayal. It cuts differently. But you’re not alone, and you’re not without hope. Jesus sees, believes you, and will restore what the enemy tried to steal.

    Don’t let someone’s mask convince you that your pain isn’t real. Don’t let the performance of goodness drown out the voice of discernment God placed within you.

    You are not crazy, you are not alone, and you are not without power.

    Expose the darkness. Walk in the light. And never forget—real sheep don’t bite.