Survivor Speaks Truth

Tag: Trauma-Bonding

  • Is it Love or a Trauma Bond?

    Many people who have been in unhealthy or abusive relationships find themselves asking a painful and confusing question afterward: Was that love, or was it a trauma bond? The two can feel almost indistinguishable when you are inside the relationship or even long after it ends. Both can involve deep attachment, longing, loyalty, and intense emotion, but they are formed in very different ways and lead to very different outcomes.

    Healthy love is grounded in safety and consistency. It grows steadily, marked by mutual respect, accountability, and emotional security. In a loving relationship, there is space to be yourself without fear of punishment, abandonment, or retaliation. Conflict may exist, but it can be addressed without intimidation or manipulation. Love tends to bring a sense of calm over time, not constant anxiety. You don’t have to earn kindness, prove your worth, or shrink yourself to keep someone close.

    A trauma bond, on the other hand, is formed through cycles of pain and relief. It develops in relationships where there is emotional, psychological, or physical harm paired with moments of affection, remorse, or connection. These intermittent moments of closeness create powerful attachment because the same person who causes pain also becomes the source of comfort. The bond forms not despite the harm, but because of it, conditioning the nervous system to associate relief from distress with love.

    This is why trauma bonds often feel so intense and consuming. Prolonged stress followed by brief emotional relief creates a surge of bonding hormones in the body, making the attachment feel addictive. Leaving can feel physically painful, and logic alone often isn’t enough to break the bond. You may miss the person deeply, even while knowing they hurt you, question your own judgment, or feel confused about what was real. This response is not a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence; it is a biological survival response to repeated emotional threat.

    There are often signs that indicate a trauma bond rather than healthy love. The relationship may feel overwhelming or obsessive rather than supportive. You may stay because of who the person is, “when things are good,” rather than how they consistently treat you. There may be a strong sense of responsibility to fix, rescue, or tolerate behaviour that causes harm. The emotional highs may feel euphoric, while the lows feel devastating, leaving you in a constant state of anxiety rather than peace.

    Trauma bonds are often mistaken for love because many people were conditioned earlier in life to associate intense feelings with connection. If chaos, unpredictability, or emotional neglect were part of childhood, calm and stability can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. A trauma bond can feel meaningful because it activates old wounds and unmet needs, creating a powerful longing to be chosen, valued, or seen for who you truly are. But real love does not require suffering to prove its depth.

    Healing begins with naming the truth. Acknowledging a trauma bond does not invalidate the feelings involved; the attachment was real, but it was rooted in survival rather than mutual, healthy love. Healing often consists of regulating the nervous system, creating a sense of safety, breaking cycles of intermittent reinforcement, and learning what a secure connection actually feels like. Grief is part of this process, but it does not require romanticizing the harm that occurred.

    On the other side of a trauma bond is a different experience of love—one that may feel quieter and less dramatic at first, but far more grounding. It is a love that allows you to breathe, to rest, and to exist without fear. Peace can feel unfamiliar when chaos has been the norm, but peace is not the absence of passion; it is the presence of safety.

    If you find yourself asking whether it was love or a trauma bond, that question itself is a sign of awakening. Love does not cost you your identity, thrive on fear, or require endurance to survive. You don’t have to condemn the past to heal from it, but you do deserve to tell yourself the truth. And the truth is that you are worthy of a connection that feels safe, steady, and free.

  • Unraveling Trauma Bonds: Why We Stay, and How We Heal

    To someone who hasn’t lived it, trauma bonding makes little sense. Why would someone stay in a relationship where they’re being hurt? Why defend the person causing the pain? Why go back, even after leaving?

    But for those who’ve experienced it, trauma bonding isn’t just a concept, it’s a deeply disorienting and painful reality. The invisible thread keeps you tethered to something breaking you, yet it feels impossible to let go of. Because somewhere in the chaos, there were moments that felt like love. And you learned to cling to those moments like lifelines.

    Trauma bonding happens when abuse is laced with intermittent affection, apologies, or kindness. It creates an emotional trap—a loop of confusion, fear, longing, and misplaced hope. You begin to associate your survival with the very person causing you harm. The brain responds to the unpredictability with heightened attachment, chemically binding you to the one hurting you. It’s not because you’re weak or naïve. It’s because your nervous system has been conditioned by trauma. And trauma changes everything.

    You lose pieces of yourself when you’re caught in this cycle. You question your judgment. You silence your instincts. You internalize the blame. There’s a deep sense of guilt and shame, and a loyalty that defies logic. You think, but they weren’t always like this. Or, maybe if I try harder, love more, wait longer, it’ll go back to the beginning. Worse still, you may begin to wonder if the problem is you.

    This is the cruel genius of a trauma bond—it convinces you that pain is love, that chaos is passion, and staying is strength. And no matter how much it hurts, leaving feels even harder. Because what if they change? What if you’re wrong? What if you never feel that high again?

    Breaking free from a trauma bond is one of the hardest things a person can do. And not because you don’t know it’s toxic, but because the emotional pull is so powerful. It results from intermittent reinforcement—the cycle of hope and disappointment, tenderness and cruelty, apologies followed by more harm. Your brain latches onto the highs and tries to erase the lows. Add in fear of abandonment, loneliness, or retaliation, and it becomes even harder. Then there’s the gaslighting, manipulation, and the slow erosion of your reality until you no longer trust your thoughts. Your world shrinks. You forget who you were before them. Your identity becomes entangled in their approval. And through it all, a stubborn hope remains: that maybe the love you once glimpsed will finally stay.

    But healing begins with truth. Love doesn’t break you, confuse you, or make you feel like you’re losing your mind. Love doesn’t demand your silence. Love doesn’t punish you for having boundaries. Love doesn’t hold you hostage with guilt.

    To begin healing, you must first name it. You can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. And once you name it, you begin to see the pattern instead of just the person. If it’s safe, distance yourself, limit contact, and create space to breathe, feel, and think again. If children or circumstances make that difficult, anchor yourself in boundaries that protect your peace.

    Find support. You don’t have to do this alone. Trauma-informed therapy, support groups, and safe, validating relationships can help you rebuild your foundation. Healing requires being seen by yourself and by others who know what it’s like to crawl out of darkness.

    Stop romanticizing the past. It wasn’t all good. If it were, you wouldn’t be in pain. Remind yourself of the pattern, not just the apology. Remember that temporary kindness is not transformation. That love that only comes after cruelty isn’t love at all.

    Start tending to your nervous system. Trauma lives in the body. Breathwork, grounding exercises, EMDR, movement, and even moments of stillness are all tools that begin to rewire what trauma has tangled. As your body feels safe, your mind starts to follow.

    And perhaps most importantly, come back to yourself. Who were you before you were made small? Before you were taught to apologize for your needs? Before your voice was silenced and your light dimmed? You are still in there. Healing means remembering, reclaiming, and rebuilding.

    As you walk this path, your standards will change. Your tolerance for chaos will diminish. Your peace will become non-negotiable. You’ll stop accepting breadcrumbs in the name of potential. You’ll stop explaining your worth to people who refuse to see it. And in time, the bond that once felt unbreakable will no longer have a hold on you.

    If you’re in the middle of that process, please know that the bond was real. But it was built on pain, not love. It might feel like your heart is breaking, but you are saving your life.

    Healing doesn’t happen all at once. There will be days when grief rises unexpectedly. Days when you feel the urge to reach out. Days when the loneliness feels unbearable. But there will also be days when you laugh freely again. When you feel the sun on your face and realize you’re no longer walking on eggshells. Days when you look in the mirror and finally see someone you recognize and deeply respect.

    You are not broken. You are healing, which is the most courageous and powerful thing you can do.

    You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone or defend the truth. You are allowed to walk away from pain and begin again. And you will.

    The bond may have been strong, but your healing broke its grip.