Survivor Speaks Truth

Tag: Trauma

  • When the Cycle Continues: Why Survivors Sometimes Face Abuse Again

    It’s a question survivors often hear: “How did this happen again?” or “Why do you keep choosing the same kind of person?” As if abuse is something anyone chooses. As if healing automatically guarantees you’ll never be hurt again.

    The truth is, many survivors of domestic violence find themselves in more than one abusive relationship—not because they’re blind, broken, or weak, but because abuse leaves deep psychological and emotional scars. Without intentional healing, those wounds can affect how survivors see themselves, how they interpret love, and what they accept in relationships in the future.

    This isn’t about blame. This is about understanding. Because only when we understand the patterns can we begin to break them.

    Abuse Changes the Way You See the World

    Surviving domestic violence changes you. It rewires your nervous system to stay in survival mode—constantly scanning for danger, trying to anticipate moods, and adjusting yourself to stay safe. You learn to minimize your needs, suppress your voice, and accept the unacceptable to get through the day.

    Over time, this becomes your normal. And when something becomes normal, it’s easy to recreate it—even without realizing it.

    You may gravitate toward people who feel “familiar,” though unhealthy. You may overlook red flags because they don’t seem alarming—just typical. And you may ignore your gut instincts because you were trained to believe your feelings weren’t valid.

    Not All Survivors Lack Discernment

    Some believe survivors have “bad judgment” or “poor discernment.” But that’s a shallow and unfair assumption. Many survivors do recognize red flags. Many are incredibly intuitive, cautious, and aware.

    But abusers are often highly skilled at manipulation. They show up wearing masks—attentive, charming, kind, and spiritual. They know how to say the right things, play the long game, and slowly isolate and control without being obvious. By the time the abuse becomes clear, the survivor may already be emotionally or financially entangled.

    It’s not about discernment. It’s about deception.

    Trauma Bonds and Cycles of Hope

    Abuse often comes in cycles—kindness followed by cruelty, apologies followed by aggression. This cycle creates what’s known as a trauma bond, a powerful psychological attachment that makes it hard to leave, even when the relationship is harmful.

    If this pattern becomes familiar, it can feel strangely comforting—even addictive. Survivors may unknowingly seek out similar dynamics, not because they enjoy the chaos, but because they’ve been conditioned to believe that love comes with pain, that affection is earned, and that they are responsible for fixing the brokenness in others.

    They may also carry an immense amount of hope that the new person will be different, hope that if they just love hard enough, they’ll finally get it right. And in that hope, they miss the warning signs.

    Shame Keeps People Silent

    Survivors who find themselves in another abusive relationship often carry deep shame. They think, “I should’ve known better.” They fear judgement. They may stay quiet out of embarrassment, fear that no one will believe them the second time, and guilt.

    This silence benefits abusers. It protects their image and keeps the survivor isolated. But shame has no place here. Abuse is never the victim’s fault—not the first time, not the second, not ever.

    When Self-Worth Has Been Shattered

    One of the most damaging effects of domestic violence is how it destroys your sense of worth. Survivors are often told they’re unlovable, too emotional, too needy, or not enough. Over time, these lies take root. And when your self-worth is in ruins, it’s hard to believe you deserve more.

    You may tolerate treatment you once would’ve walked away from. You may stay longer than you should. You may settle for crumbs, thinking that’s all you’ll ever get. But none of that reflects your value—it reflects what you’ve been through.

    You are not too broken to be loved well. You are not “damaged goods.” You are someone who has survived the unthinkable. And that strength is not a weakness—it’s a reason to keep fighting for the life and love you truly deserve.

    Healing Is the Way Out

    Breaking the cycle of abuse isn’t about simply walking away. It’s about healing what’s beneath the surface. That means:

    • Rebuilding your self-worth so you stop accepting less than you deserve.
    • Learning to trust your gut and honour your boundaries, no matter how small.
    • Understanding the dynamics of abuse so you can recognize manipulation before it takes hold.
    • Surrounding yourself with people who affirm your value, not undermine it.
    • Seeking support through therapy, advocacy groups, or other survivors who genuinely understand.

    It’s okay to take your time and to make mistakes. Healing isn’t linear—and every step forward, no matter how small, is still progress.

  • Abuse by Proxy—How Hurting a Parent Hurts the Children

    When we talk about children and abuse, most people only picture harm directed at a child, but what often goes unnoticed is the profound impact of a child witnessing one parent abuse the other. Even if a child is never touched or yelled at, growing up in a home where one parent is hurting the other is a trauma that leaves invisible scars.

    Children see more than we realize. They hear the slammed doors, feel the tension in the air, and sense the fear beneath the surface. Watching their mother or father be mistreated by someone they’re supposed to trust is devastating. It shakes their foundation, warps their understanding of love, and makes them question what’s safe and what’s not.

    An abuser might say, “I’d never hurt the kids.” But the moment you harm their parent, you already have. You can’t separate the two. That parent is their safe place, their source of comfort. When that person is being torn down, the child feels it in their body and carries it in their heart.

    Some kids act out, some shut down. Some grow up believing love means control, apologies don’t require change, or that silence is safer than truth. Even years later, those messages shape their relationships, self-worth, and healing.

    When a child witnesses the abuse of someone they love, it is just as damaging as direct abuse. It may not leave physical bruises, but it leaves lasting emotional wounds. Children internalize the chaos, blame themselves for the pain they see, and grow up with deep-rooted fears and insecurities. Their nervous systems learn to expect conflict and instability. And even when they’re not the target, they absorb every insult, every silent treatment, every slammed door. The message becomes clear: love is loud, scary, and unsafe.

    These children may grow into adults who struggle with boundaries, self-worth, and trust. They may find themselves drawn to unhealthy relationships, not because they want pain, but because it feels familiar. What they saw in childhood becomes the blueprint for giving and receiving love. That’s why it’s so important not only to stop the abuse but to heal the silent wounds it leaves behind.

    If we want to raise healthy children who feel loved and safe, we must protect them from the trauma of witnessing abuse. Even if the harm isn’t directed at them, seeing one parent hurt wounds them deeply. A child cannot feel secure when their world is built on fear.

  • When Trauma Lingers: How Abuse Affects Your Nervous System

    Abuse doesn’t just leave emotional scars—it imprints itself on the body. Your nervous system remembers long after the bruises fade, the manipulation ends, or the yelling ends. Your body becomes the vault that stores every fight, every threat, every terrifying moment when you didn’t feel safe.

    This is why survivors of abuse so often say they feel “on edge” or “numb” or “not like themselves”—because their nervous system has been rewired by trauma.

    The Body Keeps the Score
    Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of the groundbreaking book The Body Keeps the Score, explains how trauma reshapes not just our minds but our entire physiology. For someone who has endured abuse, especially prolonged or repeated abuse, the nervous system becomes stuck in survival mode.

    The body doesn’t distinguish between real-time danger and the memory of danger—it reacts the same way. And over time, this chronic activation wears you down.

    Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn
    When you experience abuse, your brain’s alarm system—particularly the amygdala—kicks into high gear. It sends signals to your body to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn (people-please to stay safe). Your heart races. Your muscles tense. Your breathing changes. Cortisol floods your system.

    Now imagine this happening again and again. Your nervous system never gets the message that you’re safe. It becomes hypersensitive, constantly scanning for threats, even when there are none.

    This can result in:

    • Hypervigilance: Always on edge, easily startled, struggling to relax.
    • Emotional dysregulation: Intense reactions to small stressors.
    • Digestive issues: Because when you’re in fight or flight, digestion takes a backseat.
    • Chronic pain and fatigue: The body’s energy is diverted to survival, not healing.
    • Sleep problems: Nightmares, insomnia, waking in panic.
    • Difficulty concentrating: The brain struggles to focus when it feels unsafe.

    Why You’re Not “Overreacting”
    If you’ve been told you’re too sensitive, overreacting, or living in the past, hear this: you are not broken. Your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do—keep you safe. The problem is, it hasn’t received the signal that the threat is gone.

    Survivors often carry shame for their reactions, not realizing those reactions are normal responses to abnormal events. You’re not crazy. You’re a human being whose nervous system has been injured.

    Healing Is Possible
    The good news is that your body is also capable of healing. Just as trauma changes the nervous system, healing practices can help retrain it.

    Some powerful tools include:

    • Trauma-informed therapy (like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or internal family systems)
    • Breathwork and grounding exercises
    • Safe relationships and environments
    • Movement: Gentle exercise, stretching, walking—anything that reconnects you to your body
    • Faith and spiritual connection: Knowing you are deeply loved and never alone
    • Rest: Deep, restorative rest helps calm an overstimulated system

    You Are Not Alone
    If you’ve felt like your body has betrayed you, I want you to know—it hasn’t. It protected you the best way it knew how. And now, step by step, it can begin to learn safety again.

    You are not too damaged. You are not too far gone. Healing might not be linear, but it is possible.

    Your story matters, and your body matters. You deserve to live in a body that feels safe again.